5 ways purity culture can lead to sexual pain

What is purity culture?

Purity culture describes the expectations and unwritten rules that govern some religious or cultural societies that equate virginity with sexual purity.

Purity culture can make you feel damaged, ashamed, and less than if you have sex outside of marriage. It tells you that you're stained, dirty, or less valuable than someone else who is saving themselves for marriage.

Do you consider yourself a Godly woman, a Christian wife, a Muslim woman, or a Jewish homemaker who now struggles immensely with pain during sex, fear of painful penetration, or sexual anxiety? 

Even if you are an unmarried woman who hasn't had sex yet -- you may not be able to insert a finger or tampon, you may be avoiding a pap smear test, or you may fear anything touching or going inside your vagina. If this sounds familiar and you want to learn how your religious beliefs can be connected to your sexual wellness, then this blog is for you.

Do religious women struggle with sexual pain more than the general public?

Religion itself does not necessarily directly cause painful sex but if you experience sex guilt, fear of sex, or negative views surrounding pleasure, then you may be more at risk of developing painful sex (Azim et al., 2021). Lack of proper sex education can also be linked to higher rates of sexual dysfunction like: painful sex, inability to orgasm, poor arousal, and low libido.

Because religious women tend to grow up with more fears about sex, sexual guilt, and lack of sex education, this can contribute to conditions like: 

• dyspareunia (painful arousal, painful intercourse, or pain after sex)
• vaginismus -impossible or difficult vaginal penetration due to a variety of factors including pain with penetration, severely tight pelvic floor muscles, and a fear of vaginal insertion,
  (Banik et al., 2010., Reissing et al., 2004.)
• sexual phobias that interfere with your mental health, your self esteem, your ability to navigate sexual intimacy calmly, healthy relationships, and your overall quality of life. 

Anxieties and fears related to your vagina or sex can contribute to pelvic floor muscle tightness, pelvic floor muscle guarding and a poor ability to relax with sex, which can lead to painful intercourse or vaginismus.

5 purity culture ideas that contribute to the development of sexual pain, vaginismus, and sex guilt

1. "Your libido before marriage is something that needs to be prayed away."
   
   Many religious communities & conservative cultures teach you that your sexual appetite is something to repress in order to be successful at remaining abstinent. But, if you think your libido is evil, wrong, or inappropriate- you may develop thoughts and habits that work against your sexual wellness. 
   
   Your libido is a natural feeling and urge that God created. It's a healthy function that's good! Acting on your libido may go against your religious morals, but your libido itself is nothing to be ashamed of. Embrace it as a sign of sexual vitality!
   
   
2. "If you wait until marriage, your sex life will automatically be blissful."
   
   Sex with your spouse can absolutely be pleasurable, addictive, and passionate, when you've waited for for each other- finding it nearly impossible to keep your hands off of each other! This is indeed a possibility!
   
   However, it can feel like your body betrayed you when you thought waiting for marriage was the primary key to a happy sex life, to then be met with sexual pain in marriage and relationship difficulties as a result. You truly desire more than anything to be what you believe is a "good wife". But sex hurts, you're afraid of penetration, and you find it easier to avoid touch from your husband. If that's you, it's not your fault and you should not blame yourself.
   
   In fact, research shows that for those who believe "it's my fault", time to a cure is significantly prolonged, compared to those who understand that this is a common problem (Angin et al., 2020).  It's time to forgive yourself, even for the things you did not cause. What's important now is that you extend kindness to yourself, seek to learn more about your body, and get the support you need to overcome these sexual challenges.
   
   
3. "Your first time will be bloody, painful, and an experience that rips or tears your hymen".
   
   It's not a surprise that you grow up with a fear of pain when you've been told for years that first time sex hurts. Sex should be consensual, pleasurable for both parties, and pain free- even on your first time. Painful sex is a medical condition referred to as dyspareunia, that typically requires medical assistance to fix.
   
   While you may experience some discomfort, tightness or anxiety on your first time or first couple of times- your pelvic floor muscles should relax and your vagina should get warmed up, stretchy and lubricated (naturally or with personal lubricant) so that sex is painless.
   
   Your hymen is a ring of thin tissue that surrounds the vaginal opening. The hymen get's stretched (not torn) with intercourse, and it's usually painless. Additionally, your hymen can be stretched from sports, riding a bike, or even horse back riding without causing you any pain at all. Understanding your body is something to be proud of! Don't feel ashamed when you have questions or want to learn more about your vagina, sex, or pleasure. 
   
   
4. "You are sexually impure if anything at all goes into your vagina before marriage."
   
   This belief can actually stand in your way to finding relief from sexual pain, vaginismus, and sexual fear. Some of the most effective tools we teach our clients how to use here at Vagina Rehab Doctor are the strategic use of: vaginal dilators, manual internal pelvic floor muscle release, pelvic wands combined with different muscle strategies, and sometimes even dildos to help transition from dilators to intercourse.
   
   Occasionally, we encounter women who feel that they are destroying their purity if they use a dilator or use a finger to restore their pelvic floor muscle mobility. While we can't control your religious beliefs and won't pressure you to do anything you're uncomfortable with, it's sad to know that the very things that could help with healing, is avoided for fear of becoming "sexually impure."
   

Using a tampon, inserting a finger to check your own pelvic floor muscles, or doing a vulva check to screen your clitoris for dysfunction are all healthy practices. These simple routines can increase your awareness of abnormalities that require medical care early on and improve your comfort with your own body.

5. "Sex education that centers only around waiting until marriage".

Sex education, even in the context of a religious institution should include teachings about: enthusiastic consent, sexual anatomy, sexual communication, steps to take in the event of sexual abuse, pleasure, ways to reach orgasm, birth control, and more.

There are two things that happen when we don't teach holistic and well rounded sex education.
1.) You won't be prepared or knowledgeable about what's sexually normal and what's not, while likely developing fears about your body. Or 2.) You'll get your sex education from sources like friends, social media, television, or even pornography!

Teaching holistic sex education & choosing to learn about pleasure in religious communities is necessary in order to erase the sex guilt,  improve the mental health, sexual wellness, and quality of life of religious women, marital couples, and families.

How we can help you move forward

We want to help you navigate healing with our 1 on 1 guidance & support. We are pelvic floor physical therapist who have helped hundreds of women & married couples overcome sexual pain. We focus on just one area: helping you have fearless and pain free sex! With our private & online coaching programs, we can help you cross over into the other side of sexual freedom and pain free sex in as little as just 2-3 months. 

To learn more about how we can help you move past sexual pain and your fears around sex, then click the link below to begin your journey with us!

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